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Joke of the Day


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#31 Brklyn

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Posted 09 January 2011 - 09:24 PM

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”




#32 bad-chick

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Posted 10 January 2011 - 08:07 PM

lol????


#33 Brklyn

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Posted 11 January 2011 - 12:42 AM

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you – your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”





#34 Brklyn

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Posted 12 January 2011 - 01:48 AM

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things! "



#35 Brklyn

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Posted 12 January 2011 - 09:10 PM

Little Johnny



Little Johnny watched his Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane In a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself he ran home and started to tell his mother."Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight at the dinner table."That evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story Before you interrupt!



#36 Brklyn

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Posted 14 January 2011 - 01:39 PM

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”





#37 Brklyn

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 02:43 PM

*
POPULAR

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"





#38 Brklyn

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Posted 18 January 2011 - 11:36 PM

A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! " I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one."



#39 Deadzone

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Posted 19 January 2011 - 07:46 PM

that is funny joks right there



#40 Brklyn

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Posted 22 January 2011 - 09:44 PM

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay
his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you ,
I'm doing community service this week.'The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his
door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a
free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON !

If you don't forward this you have no sense of humor. Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.
Now send it to everyone you know.



#41 Brklyn

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Posted 23 January 2011 - 10:38 AM

This old farmer lost his rooster after several good years. Deciding he needed a replacement, but also thinking he might want something a little more exotic, he ordered a fancy Brazilian rooster, which was noted for it's fertility, he read about in a farm magazine.

A week later he recieves his rooster. When he opened the box, the rooster jumped out and immediately took off for the chicken coop. The farmer was amazed as he heard the clucking and satisfied squaking coming from his hens. The rooster ran out ten minutes later and immediately proceeded on the turkeys, the geese, the ducks, the doves in the trees, the grouse and pheasants in the field... Anything with wings and feathers, this Brazilian rooster was determined to breed with.

The next day the farmer walks out and finds his new Brazilian rooster laying in the middle of the farm yard, on his back, apparently dead. The farmer said "You durned fool, I could have told you that you'd wear yourself out going at it like that."

The rooster cracked one eye, made a quick motion skyward and said "Shhh, see those buzzards up there?"




#42 Brklyn

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Posted 25 January 2011 - 12:45 AM

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."





#43 Brklyn

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Posted 25 January 2011 - 10:28 PM

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”
“That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”
“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”





#44 Brklyn

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Posted 26 January 2011 - 02:48 PM

Five cannibals(Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen
for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now
YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working.




#45 Archer

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 02:58 PM

Answering Machine Recording:
"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1
now.......Now press the other one."

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#46 Archer

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 02:58 PM

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,
one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide
pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been
discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the
husband.

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#47 Archer

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 02:58 PM

Q: What do your wife and a condom have in common?
A: When there not on your cock there in your wallet.

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#48 Archer

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 02:59 PM

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled
with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."

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#49 warriorx

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 03:10 PM

LOL... sweet

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#50 Brklyn

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Posted 29 January 2011 - 03:28 PM

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”
Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”
“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”
“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul




#51 Brklyn

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Posted 30 January 2011 - 08:12 PM

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.




#52 Brklyn

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 05:08 AM

At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients.
He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front"





#53 Brklyn

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Posted 06 February 2011 - 09:48 PM

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.




#54 FaNatic`

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Posted 09 February 2011 - 12:53 AM

There was a man and a woman at a banquet. After introducing himself, the man says to the woman, "Would you be willing to sleep with me tonight for $10,000?" After a slight pause the woman responds, "yeah, sure." The man then says to her, "How about $10?" The woman responds quickly and offended, "What do you think I am?" He replies, "We already established what you are, now we're just negotiating the price."



#55 Brklyn

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Posted 10 February 2011 - 12:09 PM

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.


8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."



#56 Brklyn

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 01:04 AM

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? " she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? " she asked. "That's a daddy long legs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs? " the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs. "
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden. "



#57 Brklyn

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Posted 15 February 2011 - 10:31 PM

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.





#58 Brklyn

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 08:07 PM

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."




#59 the1corrupted

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Posted 19 February 2011 - 04:51 PM

This guy was eating a girl out, and he feels a piece of something in his mouth. He feels a piece of something in his mouth. It's white and firm. It's a potato. He says "Meh." and tosses it aside. He goes back to eating her out again and finds something else and pulls it from his mouth and looks at it. It's orange and firm: a carrot. He thinks nothing of it, tosses it aside and continues doing his thing. A few moments later, he finds something soft and stringy. He pulls it from his teeth and exclaims "A piece of meat. Damn girl, you sick or something?" The girl replied "No, but the guy before you was."
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#60 Medonja

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Posted 24 February 2011 - 02:15 PM

What does Demagolka ask when he buys a new game?

''Does it run on rocket fuel ?''




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