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Joke of the Day


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#61 Brklyn

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Posted 28 February 2011 - 10:49 PM

What does Demagolka ask when he buys a new game?

''Does it run on rocket fuel ?''


LMFAO



#62 Brklyn

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Posted 28 February 2011 - 10:53 PM


Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."




#63 Brklyn

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Posted 06 March 2011 - 10:32 AM

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"




#64 Brklyn

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Posted 10 March 2011 - 09:51 PM

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."





#65 Brklyn

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Posted 12 March 2011 - 11:59 PM

There was this guy that went to the doctor:
H-h-h-hello d-d-doctor. I h-have a p-p-problem. You see I d-d-don't sp-p-peak well so I'm af-f-f-fraid my wife will a-a-abandon me.All right then, get undressed so I can examine you. When the guy took off his pants, the doctor saw he had a humongous pen*s, at least 3 feet long. He told the patient that this was actually the problem. His big pen*s was pulling down the diaphragm so he couldn't talk well. He suggested that they should remove at least 2 feet from the pen*s so he could come back to normal. After the successful surgery the patient went to greet the doctor.Doc, I can't thank you enough! I feel that my wife won't feel any discomfort anymore.The doctor smiled at him nodding in a good manner and the patient left. A week later, the patient comes back to the clinic seeking to speak with the doctor. Hello again. I have another problem. Now that I don't have the same "strength" my wife doesn't want to have sex with me and now it's more likely she'll abandom me, more than ever! Can we please attach my pen*s back again? And the doctor replies: I'm s-s-sorry but th-th-that's not p-p-possible!



#66 Brklyn

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Posted 13 March 2011 - 12:37 AM

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.




#67 Brklyn

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Posted 19 March 2011 - 07:12 PM

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"





#68 Demagolka

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Posted 20 March 2011 - 12:57 PM

lol I have heard that one b4, is funny

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#69 Bloodbane

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Posted 20 March 2011 - 01:30 PM

LOL i could see someone doing that too - thats the hilarious part - :D and lol then in the movie......me myself and irene LOL theres a part where the main guy hits a cow while on his bike and he takes out his gun and tries to shoot it in the head lol then the cows keeps mooing so the guy ends up emptying his whole clip LOL

#70 Brklyn

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Posted 24 March 2011 - 09:49 PM

My Dear Sirs;

In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws.

Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed.

I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license.

I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross.

For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance.

My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I’ve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.

Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and … here is your money!





#71 Bloodbane

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Posted 25 March 2011 - 01:51 AM

sadly enough that is terribly understandable . . . LOL and mother-in-laws . . . wow brklyn you nailed it on that one ay ;) you know what im talking about :D

#72 Demagolka

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Posted 28 March 2011 - 10:02 AM

so do I!!!! Wait, would this be considered spam?

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#73 Brklyn

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 02:30 PM

What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill
“What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”




#74 Brklyn

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Posted 02 April 2011 - 12:10 AM

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. The Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”
“Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”




#75 Firewolf

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 03:49 PM

Call of Duty joke. "Your think you have bad lag. It took Jesus 3 days to respawn."

#76 Brklyn

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Posted 07 April 2011 - 07:54 AM

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"




#77 Brklyn

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Posted 10 April 2011 - 11:13 AM

It's John and Anne's 25th wedding anniversary and they are in the
same hotel room in which they spent their honeymoon.

Anne looks seductively at John and asks him, "What were you
thinking when you first saw me naked in this very room 25 years
ago tonight?"

John says, "I was thinking that I would like to screw your brains
out and suck your breasts dry."

Anne asks, "And what are you thinking now as I'm standing naked
in front of you after 25 years of marriage?"

John says, "Looks like I did a good job of it."



#78 Brklyn

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Posted 17 April 2011 - 10:16 PM

A noted heart surgeon was having a formal party. Shortly before the guests were to begin arriving he was told that all the bathrooms were backed up and not flushing. Quickly he called a 24 hour plumber listed in the phone book. The plumber arrived quickly and within 15 minutes told the surgeon that all was well. He gave his bill to the heart surgeon and the surgeon exclaimed, "$900! You were only here 15 minutes! I'm a heart surgeon and even I can't charge that much"! The plumber quietly replied, “Neither could I when I was a heart surgeon".




#79 Demagolka

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Posted 20 April 2011 - 02:33 PM

For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says "You don't know Jack Shit." Well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit, who married O Shit, the owners of Knee Deep n' Shit Inc. In turn Jack Shit married Noe Shit. The couple had 6 children, Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins, Deep Shit, and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout. After 15 years Jack, and Noe Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock, and became Noe Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile Dip Shit married Lotta Shit and had a child with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Shit.

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#80 Brklyn

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Posted 25 April 2011 - 07:01 PM

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.




#81 Brklyn

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Posted 06 May 2011 - 02:36 PM

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"




#82 Brklyn

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Posted 09 May 2011 - 07:24 PM

here was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.





#83 Brklyn

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 07:55 PM

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,’Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!



#84 Brklyn

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Posted 31 May 2011 - 04:25 PM

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.





#85 sargentcole

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Posted 02 June 2011 - 04:58 PM

How do you know a Blonde has been on your computer?
The Joystick is wet XD!

keep it up guys

Post 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#86 TinyTim

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Posted 06 June 2011 - 07:18 PM

A guy goes to a Bull Fight, and after the fight he goes to a restruant near the Bull Fighting ring, and orders the night special. the waitress asks "and you sure you want THAT dish?" the guys says, "yes i want the dish." the waitress asks again, "are you sure you want that dish?" the guys says, "yes just give me the dish." so she bring out the dish and he starts eating it while she watches. after finishing the dish he asks what the dish was and she replies, " they are bull balls from the bull fight that just went on." he says it was good and he will be back next week. Soooo, he come back next week after the bull fight and asks for that same dish. She asks, "and you sure you want that dish?" he says, "yes i want the dish." she come out with the dish and he is puzzled... and asks, "what are they smaller this time?" and she replies, "well..... the bull usually wins..."



#87 STEALTH

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Posted 06 June 2011 - 08:33 PM

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

LOL

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Leadership is a potent combination of strategy and character. But if you must be without one, be without the strategy.
If you gonna be the best, you have to take out the best
Walking away and giving up are not the same thing
Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Before you quit, try


#88 Medonja

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Posted 06 June 2011 - 11:40 PM

Lady: Ow,I think I'm having heartburn...
Random dude: No you don't,your left boob is in the ashtray...*Laughs his ass off*
xD

#89 Brklyn

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Posted 06 June 2011 - 11:54 PM

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."




#90 Caboose

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Posted 23 June 2011 - 04:29 PM

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."






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